Coffee is a necessary mental and social stimulant requisite for its property of being a finely suited fuel in the undertaking of a pursuance of scholarly and altogether decidedly intellectual things.
It is known that coffee makes you smarter. Awoyale et al. (1995) stipulated in a paper that “…for the betterment of the human race, as well as forthrightness in the purview of an wholesome (sic) verisimilitude on the matter of deciding the fates of juvenile delinquents and criminal minded men…” that “…supreme court judges should have about four to five fluid oz. of such a recreative (sic) hot beverage…” before each ruling. In the same vein, Awoshika and P. Nenadi documented a concluded study showing that the performance of average secondary school students increased drastically after a series of extended release dosages administered via intravenous transfusions and subcutaneous implants.
A.S. Nabo, N. F. Shae (D. Phil (Nevada)) and Prof. Dr. Obi A Obi, LLB (ESQ) M.D. PhD. (Gibralthar, Temple, Canales) presented data concerning some inconclusive tests regarding the beverage’s administration to a foreign cross breed of wistar rats and white mice. This inconclusiveness was due to the unforeseen occurrence where shortly after a cessation of their dosing so as to evaluate dependency rates and tolerance levels, all the animals were found dead in their cages. The rodents used as the control had all died as well (strong evidence suggests it was out of grief).
A case in point for contrast with the previous one – with this, as regards coffee as suitable life support – is the 92 year old rhesus monkey sustained solely on a diet of raw sundried coffee beans as well as bi-monthly insertion into a gas chamber perfuse with fumes of coffee vapour.
The evidence undoubtedly suggests that coffee makes you a better man, woman and person. It improves character, eyesight, posture and diction. Acne and miscellaneous forms of skin irritations were noted to have vanished within the first few weeks of use by some volunteers in a social participation (promoted with the hash tag #coffee-is-life*); respondents also having reported increase in feelings of hope for the future, stronger sex drives, and to no small extent, faith in God and humanity.
Perusal of academic manuscripts and concomitant contriving of scientific theorems amid evaluating the validity of mathematical proofs in addition with tobacco smoking, (on a lesser level and preferably through a pipe), strongly resonates with the opening line of this article, on coffee as the beverage of choice for aspiring genii, which incidentally was culled from Ibn’Anak Adrian Dah’da Dalai Lama’s treatise, “Man and his beverage, the merits and merits” (translated from the Greek, circa 1925 into Latin, English, French, Kanuri, Efik and Spanish) because there can never be any demerit to this wonderful substance that’s so good it should barely be legal.
P.S. If you fail to see this is satire then you really need some coffee 😀