It will happen that sometimes you will be confused about your true character; when despite all you have learned, practiced and experienced, your first impulse will be to pursue a course of action you know far way better than to – the distance to London and back kind of far – but more shocking is that you will weigh the impulse and know it for what it is, and then do exactly what it leads you to do – more than what it leads you to, even, on some unfortunate occasions – and then you will realise you are about right to think of yourself as a ridiculous pretender and hypocrite; and fully proceed to consider your worth as a human being reduced to just slightly above that of a ball of akara: the kind sold in a batch at three for twenty naira; the fried balls of beans bought with a dirty twenty naira note; the note partly torn; and the torn edge done with cello tape at one side.
It means you are human.
Now you see, only gods are the epitome of perfection; and its perfection in only a certain aspect, for that matter; or perhaps a few, if they are just good like that, but never everything. Men cannot be gods. The moment people become perfect, they have ceased being human.
And so, here is what you may like to do: Stay in your sorry state for a while and feel the pangs of worthlessness. Gather in as much of the ‘undesirabledom’ that your existence is at that point in time. Rue your life, remember every past mistake, believe you are a horrible person and that you deserve to die. Remember all the times you were scolded, vilified and called unprintable names and then readily believe all that was said at those times is true; especially those times when people said what they did solely out of envy, malice or selfish interest, and not for any actual lapse of your character or bad doing on your part.
Do this for a day or two – a week if what you have done is particularly gruesome – and then stop. Now, be up at once. See what you have to do to get your shit together, and then do it decisively. Do this, while you wait for the next moment of fallibility that takes you unawares, that awkward moment that will come as inevitably as death or taxes. ♦
Author: >> Anakadrian
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