Lo, for in as much as it is our moral responsibility to make life bearable for one another; if we cannot, we should do nothing to make the condition worse. Thankfully, one does not first have to be a good person to be able to do good things; and it is fortunate that in bringing such works deemed as good to wrought, such a person might end up becoming one.
For as many as listen the words of the voice, we wish joy. For as many as may be overburdened and distressed, we bring mirth. He who accepts us, accepts our message, and we shall come and make our dwelling in him. He came that they may have good cheer and have it in abundance, and no one can come to the grandfather except through him.
These sacred texts contain the words of the one to whom all the secrets have been revealed; the knowledge of the world above and the world below… And all the other worlds in-between.
This gospel is the true account of His Regally Eminent Holiness, Ibn’anak adrian-dah’da Dalai Lama von Avicenna-Democritus-Plato, first of his name; Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Seas, Conqueror of all the writing fora of the Internet in general, and The Coffee Spot in particular.
“These documents have been hidden since long ages past: revealed every millennium to only a select few. The immense wisdom they contain cannot be handled by the minds of lesser men. You are among these few, ye that read this. Consider yourself fortunate.” – High Priest Anaknaki XVIII
“I am he who it is that these things have been spoken of, and I can tell you, that all the incredible things you may have heard about me, they are true.” – Anak-dah’da on himself.
It is true that I have lived for hundreds of generations. I possess many past lives, often having to move on to start life anew so that my lack of ageing goes unnoticed, therefore it is true that I founded the principles of democracy, and revealed them to the ancient Greeks.
Because he begged me, I showed the white man the way to Africa, and roughly about that same time I perfected the design model for hot water pasting which is still applied to this day in the fluid mechanics of the preparation of High Performance Eba,
done via extrusion with body-centred crystalline Egusi soup.
The masses were thrilled.
I also received three Chieftaincy titles and fifteen wives from the Oba of Benin of that time; when I invented moin moin.
Now, in my unparalleled generosity; and having traveled around the world more times than the sum of the ages of all your known ancestors put together – having probably forgotten about more things than you might have ever seen in your entire life – I have condescended to share my gospel with you, through the events of my life in this generation, among other insights, so that my words may shine out into the darkness, confound it, and bring inspiration to the minds of men…
But mostly men. This is because women are wiser, and as we all know, girls run the world.
We also know that men run the girls, so there is nothing else that needs to be said.